Remember long ago when I started a series about non-fiction books that impacted my life? Well, I'm finally back to that. The others in the series are/will be:
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Mindset by Carol Dweck Getting Things Done by David Allen The Vitalsmarts books: Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, Influencer, and Change Anything Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid by Douglas Hofstadter The Talent Code The Speed of Trust by Steven M.R. Covey The 48 Laws of Power, The 33 Strategies of War, The Art of Seduction, and Mastery by Robert Greene As I wrote about in My Grandmother and the Dictionary, one of the most powerful principles in my life has been the belief that just about any skill is learnable. With so many potential skills to learn and limited time, I’ve had to make choices. In general, I’ve stuck to three principles: 1) I’m interested in it 2) It will improve something in my life 3) It will apply to more than one area of my life The last point is key. If I learn how to be a better trumpet player, that’s great. But if I learn how to practice more effectively, I can improve as a trumpet player, as a singer, as a conductor, as an interviewee, as a writer, or whatever else might help me in the world. Some skills will stick with me regardless of where my career might take me: Interpersonal communication Public speaking Emotional self-management Increased focus Note-taking skills Organization and execution Behavioral influence Leadership skills Writing skills Critical thinking Perceptual/artistic skills The purpose of an education in math is not to teach students to do math, it’s to teach them to think like mathematicians. Likewise, arts education should teach students to think like artists, science education should produce scientific thinkers, etc. This point is sadly missed by many teachers, most students, and nearly all policy makers. This search toward ways of thinking that affect total quality of life is what led me to a book called Crucial Conversations. I found it on the bottom shelf in the business section of a Barnes and Noble. Before I even finished the book, I noticed a change in the quality of my meetings with students and parents. Angry parents are nearly unavoidable, as every teacher knows (true student accountability and high standards sometimes comes with upset students, which often leads to unhappy parents). But Crucial Conversations gave me strategies that helped avoid and solve difficult situations. Among the skills were ways to quickly defuse anger, the importance of creating safety in a conversation, and clear strategies to avoid misunderstandings. Every strategy was designed to avoid the fool’s choice between what the authors call “silence and violence” (that is, between holding one’s tongue or being aggressively “blunt”), and instead to speak courageously and respectfully. I never liked the choice between the bully and the coward. A third option was welcome. My next Vitalsmarts book was Crucial Confrontations, which focused on unacceptable behavior and broken agreements. Many of the strategies were the same, but the new focus allowed me to understand the principles behind them more broadly and deeply. There were also new skills. One was to deal with patterns instead of specifics. For example, I had a student who was consistently tardy. He was always ready with an excuse. In his mind, it was unfair for me to hold him accountable for the traffic, so he didn’t want to listen when I told him how to plan ahead. But then I addressed the pattern. “That may be true,” I responded to his excuse, “and if it were one time, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But you have a pattern of being late, and that shows me that you aren’t planning ahead. Traffic is going to come up again. How are you going to deal with it?” When he recognized the pattern, it made him more open to my next point, which was to establish a margin of safety so that he would arrive early. I won’t claim that he became a model of punctuality right away (old habits die hard), but the next time he was late he took responsibility and accepted the consequences. Eventually he did improve. As a teacher, this was pure magic. The third Vitalsmarts book I discovered was called Influencer. I don't think it's hyperbole to say that it was the most impactful non-fiction book I have ever read. Early on, the authors introduce the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Then they argue that we don’t have the wisdom to know the difference. The book teaches us how to change deep-seated problems that most people accept as unchangeable, and they spell out specific successful examples. One group works to eradicate a common parasite in Africa despite tremendous odds. A rehabilitation program in San Francisco nearly extinguishes criminal recidivism among its parolees. Change, the authors posit, usually fails because we try to influence beliefs instead of key behaviors. But you can’t hold people accountable for beliefs, only behaviors. After presenting the evidence for this point, the authors spell out the strategies to influence and promote key behaviors. I created my own influence worksheet from this book, and used it several times each year to help plan behavior change in my classrooms. Some changes were easy, such as improving participation in rehearsals. Others were more difficult, like when I tried to improve the practice habits of my band students. But even those improved over time. Much of my new practice journal The Practice Habit is based on the principles contained in Influencer. The fourth book in the Vitalsmarts series is Change Anything. The ideas are the same as in Influencer, but directed at individual change rather than social or group change. I’ve used it to drink less, get better about cleaning the house, become more productive, and write more regularly, among several other things. It has been particularly effective for sticky problems that resist change. Most of us can identify with overspending. Most people, when they realize they have a problem, depend on motivation and willpower to rein in their excesses. In a burst of enthusiasm they may set a budget and promise better behavior. But willpower is like a muscle—it fatigues. Repeated self-restraint, lack of sleep, and low blood sugar all lead to weaker willpower. As a result, we are set up to fail eventually, since we all get tired and hungry from time to time. Instead, the authors argue, you should use that burst of enthusiasm to adjust your environment and create support systems that encourage good behavior with a minimum of willpower. To avoid overspending, for example, you can limit your access to money by carrying only a small amount of cash and leaving cards at home. You can set up a daily spending tracker so that you have a constant reminder of your spending. If you’re in a relationship, you can make an agreement that adds social pressure to your goal. You can write down a few thoughts to connect saving money to your deepest values and goals so that it is less of a burden and more of an inspiration. You can research new spending habits, such as where to buy long-lasting products instead of junk that needs to be replaced often. The idea is to set up long-lasting systems that don’t depend on willpower so that the behavior becomes easier and automatic. All four of these books (a fifth, Crucial Accountability, is on my to-read list) have been skills that apply across a variety of disciplines and have decreased the drama and daily struggles of my life. Of course, they only help if you put the ideas into action. I would recommend that you read these books with a notebook in hand. Take notes and jot down ideas of what you want to change. For each skill you learn (and there are tons of them), brainstorm how you can use them for your current challenges. Then put them into action. I would recommend the following order: Change Anything Crucial Conversations Influencer Crucial Confrontations This order starts with learning how to change yourself (1). Then you learn to master communication skills (2). Those two skills are prerequisites to influencing others (3). Once you have that influence with others, learn how to confront others skillfully (4). Do you have any skill-based book recommendations? What has changed the way that you interact with the world?
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Nick is a teacher, writer, and amateur adventurer. Archives
June 2020
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